The Beginning

I was born July 25, 1958 in Indianola, Mississippi (birthplace of B.B.King, by the way) to Billy Ray Smith and Doris Lea McMinn Smith.  We lived in a little trailer near the air force base until my father was transferred to Anchorage, Alaska when I was 2 years old.  The next 2 years were spent in Alaska.  I don't remember those years at all. 

When I was 4 years old, my maternal grandfather had a stroke back in Sardis, Mississippi.  My mother and father were having problems by then so my mother decided to leave my father and travel back to Mississippi with me in tow.  I didn't understand I would not see my father again but once a year at the most.  We moved in to my grandmother's little "in-law apartment" connected to the big house.  The big house was an antebellum house with a huge middle hallway with a staircase going up to the 2nd floor.  A door lead to my grandmother's apartment - a 3 room apartment that also had a back door to the back yard and a front door to the wrap around front porch.  There was a living/sleeping area, a bathroom, and an eat-in kitchen.  I slept on an army cot.  My grandfather slept in the big bed.  He was immobile and I used to sit on the side of the bed and talk to him.  He couldn't answer.  I didn't understand the pain in his eyes.  My mother told me later that he had loved me dearly and used to play with me on the floor all the time.  I don't remember that.  That makes me sad.  My grandmother slept in a twin bed.  My mother slept in a rollaway bed.  All four of us slept in the living/sleeping area. 

My mother found a job and went to night school learning bookkeeping so I spent most of my time with my grandmother and sometimes my two oldest cousins would get me to come over to the big house side and they would molest me together.  They were the adopted boys of my aunt and uncle who lived in the big house with those two boys and also their biological son and daughter.  My two oldest cousins were teenagers.  I was 4 years old.  The molestation went on until I was 9 years old.  Why did it stop then?  Because I figured out that it truly was wrong and I said, "No." .... It stopped.  Then I had the guilt of knowing that I could have said, "No" ... years before and it may not have continued so long. 

When I was 6 years old, my mother brought a little book home from the library to help her teach me about the birds and bees.  By this time, I was well versed on men touching me in private places.  But I didn't tell my mother this.  I looked at the pictures of the little boy with the little penis and the little girl with the little vagina.  My mother told me that the little boy puts his penis inside the little girl and she becomes pregnant and has a baby.  For a long long time, I thought I was pregnant after that.  Why?  When my cousins molested me I kept my eyes closed but I could feel what was happening.  I knew they had put something inside me.  It felt like it was like the size of that little boy's penis.  I thought they had put their penis in me and that I was now pregnant.  I figured out much later that what they had put in me was actually their finger.  Their penis was that big hard hairy warm thing they made me wrap my little hand around when they put my hand in their pants.  But I didn't know what it was at the time.   I always kept my eyes closed and pretended I was asleep and that they were just moving me around and moving my arms and legs around to suit whatever they wanted to do.  I was not participating.  I had my first orgasm when I was around 5 years old.  Innocence left me very early in my life and it has affected me for the rest of my life in many different ways. 


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